How Learning to Make Mole Gave Me Closure About My Grandmother’s Death

I miss my grandmother’s Mexican mole.

Her mole dish was delicious and everyone loved it. She used to make it on special occasions.

When she passed away on June 24^th, 2015, I was really sad, still processing her death. She passed away very early that morning without anyone having an opportunity to say goodbye.

I didn’t know how to process the news of her death, I come from a family who doesn’t know how to express their feelings in a healthy way, so it was really difficult to try to connect with anyone in my family and talk about my grandmother.

I am very comfortable with my spirituality and with my emotions, but it took years for me to finally embrace them. When my grandmother passed away, I tried talking to all my family members; mom, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, but they didn’t even know how to process their own feelings.

I turned to God for an answer and I prayed for my grandmother. The passing of my grandmother was a painful experience and I spent that summer grieving her death.

My grandmother passed away in Mexico and I didn’t have a chance to go to her funeral at that time. I still wanted to give my grandmother a proper goodbye.

After I found out the news about my grandmother, all of the memories we spent together came rushing down at once and I spent the days following her death just thinking about her. My relationship with my grandmother was complicated. She didn’t have a good relationship with my mom and her siblings and unfortunately, that burden was passed down to her grandchildren.

I went through a period of forgiveness while grieving for my grandmother. I still loved my grandmother and wanted to be able to express my love to her even after her death. I thought about all the things she loved to do, she liked gardening, cooking, and singing ranchera songs, while she did her chores. She particularly liked Lola Beltran and Vicente Fernandez songs.

Suddenly, a pleasant memory of her came to my mind, it was my grandmother in her kitchen making her favorite dish, Mexican mole.

She loved making this dish, she had her own secret ingredient that up until now, no one knows what that special ingredient was that made her mole so delicious.

I called my aunt from Mexico, whom I didn’t really have a good relationship with back when I lived there, but who knew my grandmother very well and took care of her before she passed away.

She told me that my grandmother was getting ready to prepare mole later on that day for one of her granddaughter’s birthday party. Since mole is a very elaborate dish that could take days to make, at least the way my grandmother made it, she wanted to prepare it two days ahead before the party.

My grandmother was planning to make mole the day she passed away and she didn’t get a chance to make it…

Then, all of the sudden I thought, “my grandmother wanted to make her favorite dish and she didn’t get a chance to… what if I make it for her, what if I make it for her in her honor? After all, I’ve been wanting to do something special to give her a proper goodbye. Perhaps, this is it. I’ll attempt to make mole for the first time in my life.”

Mole seemed so daunting and difficult to make. My mom learned to make mole all by herself when we moved to this country in the 90’s, and I loved whenever she made it, but I never imagined myself making this elaborate dish, I always thought this was something reserved for the older women in my family.

I had to go buy many of the ingredients as this special dish calls for many spices and dried chilies. I realized after I gathered all the ingredients to make mole that I was going to have to replace some of the ingredients of this dish as I was not going to be able to find them in the U.S.

The day I made mole for the first time, I was very emotional, I cried throughout the process of making it, I prayed and talked to my grandmother’s spirit so she could help me prepare this special dish. I could hear her telling me what I should add and omit, even though we never had the opportunity to cook mole together.

Throughout the process of making mole, I released all of my negative and positive emotions that I had towards my grandmother. This process was cathartic. I would say that preparing mole after my grandmother’s death, was very therapeutic for me.

It was an all-day event trying to prepare mole for the first time. My older daughter who was five-years old at the time assisted me, and I had my mom’s mole recipe (which she learned on her own), and I also had my aunt’s mole recipe who shared it with me when I called her after my grandmother’s passing.

This process of making an elaborate Mexican dish helped me to be more confident in myself about cooking Mexican food. I had to learn to make decisions about which ingredients I could replace and how it would make my mole taste better.

By the end of the day, my mole was finally done and it tasted delicious, it wasn’t quite my grandmother’s mole, but it was my own version of Mexican mole. Also, after making mole several times now, I realized that no matter how much I tried to replicate my grandmother’s mole, my mole was not going to taste the same as hers. For example, my mom’s mole tends to be spicier because she doesn’t like it sweet and it is still delicious, but it is not my grandmother’s mole, my aunt and I prepared my grandmother’s mole and it turned out so good, it was spicy and sweet at the same time, so rich and thick that I would say, her mole was as close to my grandmother’s, but still, it wasn’t my grandmother’s mole…

Since that day, I’ve been attempting to prepare my grandmother’s favorite recipes, with the help of my mom, who remembers some dishes and my aunt from Mexico who used to help my grandmother prepare those dishes. Little by little, I’ve been putting together my grandmother’s recipes and have been working at recreating them.

In 2019, I finally had the opportunity to visit San Luis Potosi, the place where I was born and where my grandmother lived before her death and I accepted my aunt’s invitation to visit her at my grandmother’s house.

I wanted to learn how to cook my grandmother’s mole and hear from my aunt, who spent the most time with her before she passed; what ingredients did she put? how did she measure ingredients? what were the secrets in her mole?

Mexican Mole is made with at least 20 ingredients. My grandmother’s mole has at least 20 and no more than 50 ingredients.

Preparing my grandmother’s mole was not an easy task, it took all day, but I didn’t mind because I was able to make new memories with my aunt, who was now willing to share with me anecdotes and recipes of my grandmother.

Mole is an ancestral dish from from the Aztecs. Mole comes from the Nahuatl mulli, meaning sauce.

We spent a memorable day together to say the least, but most of all, I believe that the ritual of preparing my grandmother’s mole helped me to get close to my grandmother in many ways I thought possible. I’ve learned so much about my grandmother throughout this process, such as, why she was the way she was, where did she come from, why did she cook this special dish the way she did, and why she never took the time to teach her children, and grandchildren how to prepare and appreciate this beautiful talent that she had, which was cooking.

Preparing my grandmother’s mole at my grandmother’s house in 2019.

My aunt and I prepared my grandmother’s mole and it turned out so good, it was spicy and sweet at the same time.

I wish that my grandmother had known how much her cooking meant to all of us. That her cooking was meant to be shared not only with friends and neighbors, but with her own kin, her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. That knowing how to cook from the heart is not to be taken for granted and it is something to be worthy of being passed down to her future generations.

One of the things that made me really sad after my grandmother passed away was that I wished she would’ve personally taught me how to cook her special recipes, that she would’ve taken the time to teach me how to make her beloved mole recipe, and that we would’ve spent more time together.

It’s been seven years since her passing, and every year I prepare mole in her honor. Last year my daughter helped me prepare mole and she prepared most of it on her own. My mole doesn’t quite taste like my grandmother’s and that’s ok, we are trying to create our own recipe. It won’t be my grandmother’s mole, even though I loved her mole; it won’t be my mother’s either, even though hers tastes delicious; and it won’t be my aunt’s mole, even though I loved her mole dish, but it will be our own mole, our own family recipe; one prepared with love and one that will be shared with our future generations.

Pumpkin Patches, Corn Mazes, Hay Rides and Apple Cider

Autumn is always one of my favorite seasons.

I love the beautiful change of foliage that happens during this season. I get to be like a child again and play outside. I can decorate our home for harvest season and Halloween. I can finally slowdown after the long summer day activities and enjoy a hot cup of apple cider while eating some delicious apple cider donuts. I can sit down and read that book I’ve been wanting to read for a long time, or I can finally catch up with my blogging and journaling.

I love seeing these colors all around the East Coast in the fall.

Apple cider donuts are a fall tradition in the northeastern United States.

A year ago, I blogged about my first Halloween experience as a preteen when my family and I migrated to the U.S. On my post Our First Halloween in the U.S. I shared about how Halloween was foreign to me while growing up in Mexico and how it quickly became one of my family’s favorite holidays. Since then, I’ve been celebrating this holiday even as an adult and especially now that I became a mom and have kids of my own.

My kids and I have tons of fun during the fall season. When school is about to start, right before fall, we like to decorate inside and outside with harvest-inspired décor. We get excited every year as we plan what Halloween costumes we are going to wear that year.

We also started a new tradition when my first daughter was born: we go visit a pumpkin patch. When my family migrated to the U.S., we didn’t know anything about pumpkin patches. I first learned about pumpkin patches in my adulthood when I moved to the East Coast to attend college. Pumpkin patches are a very popular tradition in the U.S. especially in places like the Midwest and the East Coast where the change of foliage is very visible.

Ghost Pumpkins, Spaghetti Squash, Butternut Squash, and Green Acorn Squash.

Different kinds of pumpkins and gourds are found at pumpkin patches.

Dried gourds usually used for fall decoration.

Entire families like to visit pumpkin patches in the fall. Depending on the size of the pumpkin patch, some will have activities like big slides where both adults and children can participate. A large pumpkin patch will have all the popular activities including hay rides, corn mazes, hunted houses, bon fires at night, food concessions where one can buy the most popular fall favorites like apple cider, apples, kettle corn, apple cider donuts, caramel apples and hot chocolate.

Corn mazes are a favorite fall tradition in the U.S.

A corn maze at a pumpkin patch.

Hayrides are part of a pumpkin patch experience in North America.

Pumpkin patches, Halloween and fall season are some of my favorite things that I look forward to every year.

Dry corn stalks are part of fall decoration in the U.S. and Canada.

I am very grateful this year to be able to attend a pumpkin patch and make new memories again with my family. Last year most pumpkin patches were closed due to the pandemic and fall season just wasn’t the same.

I did notice that even pumpkin patches have altered the way they conduct business, with more rules implemented this year due to the pandemic. First and foremost, we might have to wear a face mask now. We may have to visit a pumpkin patch during the week, rather than on the weekend, to avoid crowds. We may also have to wash our hands more often now. But I don’t mind doing all these things as long as I get the opportunity to go and play in a pumpkin patch with my family.

Pumpkin patches, Halloween and fall season are some of my favorite things that I look forward to every year. They’re also some of the new traditions I chose to adopt and keep after I migrated to the U.S. Día de los Muertos and autumn season in Mexico are very different than what we do here, but there is no reason why I must choose one over the other. They’re both special in their own way and I love being able to celebrate both.

Enjoy these beautiful fall season and Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Our First Halloween in the U.S.

I remember very vividly the first year after I moved to the U.S.; both the changing foliage of the autumn season and the concept of Halloween were foreign to me.

Beautiful tree changing foliage in the fall.

My family and I moved to U.S. in the 90’s as I began my teenage years. We moved to a small, rural Midwest town in Illinois. Every autumn, shortly after the start of a new school year, the leaves would change various shades of yellow, orange, red, purple, and brown. The humid summer air would start turning cool and crisp, announcing the transition to autumn.

Autumn also reminded me of coming home from school and looking forward to watching the Simpsons. After The Simpsons there was Roseanne, and then Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in that order. My Mom would have dinner ready right after The Simpsons. Watching The Simpsons always reminded me of Mexico as this was my favorite show before we moved to the states. Of course, back in Mexico I used to watch it in Spanish.

The first new friends we made there were another Mexican family who, like us, migrated to the U.S. from Mexico. This family had three sons and had lived here in the states for a while. We spent our first Halloween in the U.S. with them. One of their sons spoke to me in English, but because I barely knew the language, I only answered in short sentences.

I remember they wore spooky masks and carried pillow cases to collect candy that night. My sisters and I didn’t go trick-or-treating with them because we didn’t quite understand what it was. It seemed fun: seeing all the kids knocking on doors, asking for candy, as they yelled, “Trick or treat!”

Kids knocking on doors, asking for candy, as they yelled, “Trick or treat!”

We didn’t give away any candy that first year either, because, as I mentioned, we were not ready for or really understood what Halloween was all about. I felt very intrigued by the whole thing, especially after seeing how much fun our new friends had trick-or-treating.

After that unforgettable, first Halloween, my sisters and I started participating on the Halloween festivities. Most of my fondest memories growing up in the U.S. take place in the fall; with many of them revolving around Halloween. Every fall became a memorable moment in my mind, as I navigated through the difficult experiences of moving to another country and learning a new language, a new culture, and a new place to call home.

Now that I am older and a Mom, fall has become one of my favorite seasons of the year. It wasn’t until this year that I began wondering why this season was one of my favorites. Perhaps because it reminds me of those first years in the U.S. Those memories became so impressed and vivid in my mind partly because of the newness of it all, but also, I believe, because back then I felt anxious every time I started a new school year. Beginning a new school year in a foreign country while learning a new language will make most kids feel that way. Perhaps the new weather, which was so different from my native Mexico, was something I became fond of. And perhaps autumn reminds me of the good times I had with my family when we first moved to the U.S.

Changing tree leaves turn into red hues.

Living in the East Coast now as an adult and a parent, I now look forward to seeing the humid, stuffy summer heat turn into a nice, cool and crisp air, as the changing tree leaves turn into red, gold, and brown hues. I love going to pumpkin patches, buying everything that’s made with pumpkin, and going to see the changing foliage around the landscapes.

Fall will always remind me of my first years in the U.S., cool and crisp evenings while walking home from school, Halloween nights watching funny horror shows, and fond memories of my family together in our new home.

The pictures here are a collection from one of our first Halloween nights in the U.S. and the other ones from a previous visit to a Pumpkin Patch.

Bright orange pumpkins at a pumpkin patch.

A Witch and her Cauldron display at a Pumpkin Patch.

Pumpkins Patches are part of Halloween festivals in the U.S.

Halloween brings fond memories of my sisters and I growing up in the U.S.

Different types of pumpkin varieties at a Pumpkin Patch.

A Halloween display at a Pumpkin Patch in the U.S.

Corn Stalks and Pumpkins what Halloween is all about.

 

 

 

 

A Very Special Christmas in San Luis Potosí

This last Christmas I went to Mexico to spend the holidays with distant relatives.  Last time I saw my relatives was five years ago, and the last time I spent a Christmas in Mexico was twenty-one years ago.  I am originally from San Luis Potosi, a city located in central Mexico, where I spend this last Christmas.  I wanted my family to experience Christmas in Mexico for the first time.

Christmas in Mexico is very different than in the United States.  In Mexico, las Posadas is an integral part of the Christmas celebrations.  The tradition of Las Posadas comes from Spain and it was brought to Mexico and other Latin American countries by the Catholic Church.  For 400 years, starting in 1586, Mexicans have celebrated las Posadas in December.  Other countries in Latin America and in the U.S., in communities where Spanish cultural influence remains strong, las Posadas is also part of their cultural Christmas tradition.  Most of these celebrations take place in the Southwest; in states like New Mexico, Texas, Arizona, and California.

Las Posadas celebrations in Mexico vary from neighborhood to neighborhood and city to city.  Cities, which tend to be more populated and where people are more influenced by American culture, tend to have their own variations of las Posadas.  Their celebrations may include prayers and a piñata, followed by dinner.  The Mexican state of San Luis Potosi is divided into Municipios or municipalities.  Some of the municipios, specifically those located in more rural areas, celebrate las Posadas in a more traditional way.  Their prayers are longer and more involved.  A traditional Posada includes a reenactment of the Nativity story, followed by a dinner, and breaking a piñata.

During our visit this year, my relatives and I organized a simple celebration for the children on Christmas Day.  The day before Christmas, my aunt and I went to Mercado República, a very famous food market close to the Historic Downtown of San Luis Potosi, to buy food and other things for the celebration.  Most people go there to purchase food and gifts for las Posadas, Christmas Eve, and New Year’s Eve celebrations.

Mercado República is a famous food market in San Luis Potosi.

It was really nice to be back to this market as it reminded me of my childhood days, back when I lived in Mexico.  I took my daughter with me and we walked around the many long isles of decorative, festive piñatas, hand-made art crafts, fresh fruit and vegetables, food stands selling freshly made tacos, quesadillas, enchiladas, pozole, menudo, and other popular Mexican dishes.

This food market is so big that it would take a whole day to see every isle.  It is usually visited with friends or family members who plan to go shopping and eat at the food stands available there.  The food is delicious and there are usually more than two food stands selling the same dish, but each with their own flavor twist.

This mercado or food market has been around for decades.  Despite the fast growth of commercial businesses opening in this city, including many American franchises such as Walmart, Mercado República continues being part of San Luis Potosi’s cultural tradition.  Although the majority of people who visit and shop at Mercado República are working class, many people from different social status come here to purchase the items such as hand-made art crafts and hard to find ingredients that cannot be found anywhere else such as certain spices or fresh herbs needed for some Mexican dishes.

Tejocote is one of the many ingredients found at Mercado República

We walked around the mercado and I spotted a ceiling full of colorful piñatas –some with five, seven and even nine points.  I chose a seven-pointed star piñata for our night’s festivities.  My aunt tries to find pinguica or pointleaf manzanita, a type of shrub needed for her nacimiento or nativity scene.  Many households set up nativity scenes on Christmas in addition to the popular Christmas tree.  Homes decorate their nativity scene in different ways; some like to set up a small nativity scene right next to their Christmas tree, while others like to set up a large one in their living room or a part of the house where it can be seen.

a ceiling full of colorful piñatas

Breaking a seven-pointed star piñata at las Posadas is a cultural tradition in Mexico.

A Christmas tree decorated with colorful piñatas at Plaza de Armas in San Luis Potosi.

Nativity scenes are set up during Christmas season in Mexico

We also bought velitas or small candles for the children as part of las Posada celebrations.  The candles are used to pray during the novenas, a series of prayers and songs performed at las Posadas.

After praying the novenas and singing villancicos or traditional Christmas songs we were ready to break the piñata.  According to Catholic tradition, the seven-pointed star represents the seven capital sins in Catholic religion while the nine-pointed star piñata represents the nine months the Virgin Mary was pregnant.  Spanish priests used the breaking of the piñata as a method to teach indigenous people in Mexico biblical concepts, such as the seven deadly sins during their evangelization.

Children take turns hitting the piñata at the end of a traditional song, which includes this lyrics, “dale, dale, dale no pierdas el tino porque si lo pierdes, pierdes el camino” – “go, go, go don’t lose sight of it, if you do you will lose the path!”

Each child has a turn until someone breaks the piñata and all the candy and fruit falls to the ground!  Many years ago, piñatas were made of decorated clay jars.  Today, they have evolved: the inside or the main body of the piñata is made of cardboard and newspaper.  I do miss the old piñatas made of clay jars because they were harder to break and allowed more people to take a turn.  However, the new ones are lighter and therefore less likely to hurt the children when the pieces fall to the ground.

After breaking the piñata, a delicious dinner follows with tamales, ponche, atole, and other favorite Christmas dishes.

All the children present enjoyed la Posada, and I enjoyed it along with them.  It reminded me of las Posadas from my childhood.  It’s been twenty-one years since I spent a Christmas in Mexico.  I had forgotten what it was like to look forward to Christmas as little kids do.  I feel grateful to be able to relieve this part of my childhood with my own children.  This Christmas was very special and I will treasure it for years to come.

A Very Special Christmas in San Luis Potosí.

My Grandmother’s Tamales

My grandmother’s tamales were the best! I know this might sound biased because she’s my grandmother, but since I left her house as a preteen, and had the privilege to taste tamales in different places since then, I have to say that hers are some of the best.

Since my family and I moved to the United States, we’ve become nostalgic of my grandmother’s tamales, which she would prepare right before Christmas Eve.  With every passing year since we left Mexico that nostalgia became stronger.  There is no doubt that food became the vehicle by which we connected with the memories of the Mexico we left behind.  Every Christmas we remembered that my grandmother used to make preparations for the tamales.  She would also make Mexican ponche (Mexican fruit punch).  Back in the day, those two items were the highlight of our Christmas in Mexico.

Tamales and ponche are two popular dishes prepared during Christmas in Mexico because of its practicality.  Despite being labor-intensive, these dishes can feed many people, especially large families.  Tamales and ponche are also prepared for Las Posadas and to offer to friends and family members who come to visit during Christmas time.

My Mom began to test her culinary skills the first year we moved to the United States.  I believe it was her way of coping with the homesickness and nostalgia of being away from Mexico.  She made tamales for the first time in her life, the second year we were settled in the U.S.  She was very pleased with how they turned out –and so was I– and continued making them from then on, every Christmas time.  I liked the way my Mom’s first tamales turned out, but the next ones were even better.  From then on, I saw how her skills for cooking Mexican food grew year after year.

“Necessity is the mother of all inventions,” and for my Mom cooking became a necessity.  At first, it was a way to cope with her feelings of longing for Mexico.  Eventually, that necessity turned into one of her best talents.

My Mom wasn’t the best cook when we lived in Mexico.  As a single Mom of two daughters, she prepared basic dishes and sometimes she would even buy prepared food from the cocinas económicas, a place ran by women cooks who made a living by preparing wholesome meals for  working moms.  The food from cocinas económicas was really good.  These women really knew how to cook and were now using their skills to provide for their families by running these kinds of establishments.

It was not until we moved to the U.S. that my mother began testing her culinary skills.  It was here in the U.S. that she began to make more labor-intensive dishes such tamales, mole, home-made tortillas, and asado de bodas.  Those are some of the most difficult Mexican dishes to prepare because of the extensive list of ingredients and the time required to prep each dish.

I also think that my Mom cooked some of my grandmother’s favorite dishes to help us cope with the change that moving to another country brought.  She didn’t express verbally how she felt about moving away from everything she once knew, but I could sense that through her cooking she expressed to us how much she cared about our feelings.

Christmas in the United States became a little more pleasant and bearable for us as we had my Mom who would prepare for us my grandmother’s favorite dishes like tamales and ponche, some of her own favorites such as mole and trusco, as well as new favorites that she discovered in the process of learning how to cook authentic Mexican food.

Now that I have a family of my own, I like to prepare my own tamales and ponche during the Christmas season.  It has become a ritual for me.  As I prepare the masa for the tamales I remember my grandmother standing behind the table of her kitchen, kneading the dough with her arms and hands.  I also remember helping my Mom make tamales for the first time in the United States, about twenty years ago.  It was just me and her talking about our memories from Mexico while we wrapped the tamales together.

Out of that same longing that I continue to have of the Christmases of long ago in Mexico and the Christmases I spent with my family after we moved away from Mexico, I began my own tradition with my own family.  Now it is me who is standing behind the table kneading masa while I share with my daughter how I learned to make tamales.

Sharing with my daughter how I learned to make tamales.